Don't "Pull the Goalie"

I graduated with a class of about 54 people. Based off of the countless Facebook posts, picture updates, and other daily social network annoyances, it seems like there is only one person left without a kid or two roaming around at the heels of a semi-youthful life. That person is me.

Do you remember those magical mirrors from our childhood fairy tales and movies? If there could somehow be a way for those to actually exist, I'd ask it "should I be doing something differently?" Don't get me wrong, I'm not looking forward to changing a diaper at 3 in the morning, as the TV announcer in the background informs me that I can buy a mop/blender/foot massager for 3 easy payments of $34.99, but a part of me does feel left out. On the other hand, do I really want to be another member of the "look how perfect my kid is" club? I think not. Let's think about it....

I'm 24 years old. If I had a baby exactly 9 months from now, I'd still be the same age. By the time the baby grew up and graduated from high school, I'd only be 41 years old. That's not even old enough for a mid-life crisis (in case you're wondering, I'd go with a sports car...probably in the form of a 2029 flying Camaro). There's a chance they'd be married before I was 50, giving me chance to be a grandpa by the time I'm 55 (too young for dentures and retirement, but too old to still be "cool"). I think I'll just wait a little time before getting married, keep "the goalie" in place for a while after that, have kids when I'm ready, and find that today is a perfect day to be young. I'm not saying that I'm going to crawl into bed tonight with Spider Man pajamas and snuggle up with my teddy bear as the theme from Doug puts me to sleep, but I do plan on acting my age (still young if you ask me). I have the rest of my life to live as the "family man." Today, I'm perfectly happy taking things slower than rest.

Driving Me Crazy!

There are too many angry drivers.

 My mom always said that if I held my face in a certain position for too long it would get stuck like that. For the sake of nearly every driver I see on the road...I hope she's right. If you're going to waste your energy looking like an idiot, you deserve to look like that all the time. Here's the situation:

Every time I'm driving down the highway, I see dozens of drivers getting angry for the stupidest reasons imaginable. The person in front of them is driving too slow (65 mph is just the recommended speed Grandma). Those pesky construction workers are taking up half the road again (didn't they just fix this road 10 years ago?). Some dummy decided to get rear-ended and now the freeway is at a standstill (couldn't you crash in the middle of a cornfield or something?). Blah...blah...blah. Who cares if you get home 15 minutes later than expected? It's not our problem that you forgot to DVR Teen Mom and now you're going to miss the part where she struggles raising her newborn. Spoiler alert: if you saw last weeks episode, or have ever seen any episode ever, you've already seen this weeks. My point is, those people need to learn to be patient. 200 years ago, it would have taken people nearly a week to travel the distance we can travel in less than 2 hours.

However, there are some situations in which it is perfectly acceptable to get angry. Here are some solutions for those issues:

-Problem: Someone throws trash on/in your car
-Solution: Follow them home, hide out until 10:47 p.m., and then place an adult cougar in the front seat of their car

-Problem: Someone cuts you off
-Solution: Run them off the road, preferably into a body of water

-Problem: Someone crashes into your car
-Solution: Pull them out of their car, place Kim Kardashian's song in their CD player, and then break every button that would prevent this song from playing (trust me...this is the worst kind of torture)

-Problem: Someone is tailgating you
-Solution: Slow down...wait for them to try and pass you....and then speed up. Repeat as necessary

I've Got Mail

Apparently, my subconscious has a crush on Tom Hanks. I noticed as I was reading my last blog post that the voice in my head was not my own; when I read things online, the voice I hear is Tom Hanks' voice from his ancient movie "You've Got Mail." I'm not sure what is more concerning. Should I be worried that my "reading voice" is not my own, or should I be more worried that a "chick flick" had so much of an impact to me, that it somehow changed my thought process and behavior?

Even now, as I type these words you are reading, I can't consciously change the voice. I guess there's only one thing to do: take it to the mattresses. I'm not sure how to go to war with my brain, but I must try to fight if I ever want to think with my own voice again. At least I don't hear Meg Ryan's voice. That would be something that deserves a trip to the shrink.

Hold Your Applause...

     Since this is my first blog post, I really want to think of something profound and life altering to say. However, only one word comes to mind: tampon. Why is it that I cringe when someone says "tampon," but I think the phrase "douche bag" is about as acceptable as a Christmas tree in December? Now that I think about it, who decided that it was a good idea to chop down a perfectly good tree, use all of their strength to drag the shedding pine through the living room, and then decorate it with items that will eventually collect dust in a half-opened box for 11 months? As you can probably tell by now, my brain can be a little random at times.

Anyway, this is me:

- Some say that I am mature for my age (they're right)

- Others claim I need to grow up (they're also right)

- I have a great life, a great job, a great girlfriend, and I hear voices in my head (I'm not crazy...I just have my earphones in)

- I love silence...but hate awkward silences

- I write songs, most of which are as mature as a Will Ferrell movie with a guest appearance by Beavis & Butthead

- I am a martial artist (no, I will not beat up your ex)

- I like watching movies

- I like to make people laugh...even if it means making myself look as stupid as a groom who gets his shirt stuck in his zipper, but doesn't realize it until after he says "I do"

     The purpose of this blog is to vent, question the world, make you laugh, and most of all....share my random thoughts with an audience other than myself. Also, I appreciate oxygen.