Self Revelation - I Am Sam

A friend of mine recently posted a self revelation blog. While hurdling over her bar of awesomeness is an Olympic level task, I still feel the need to post one for myself. (*Disclaimer - although I may be in top physical condition, I am in no way planning to ever hurdle over...well...anything)

I feel that a person cannot be defined by their race, religion, beliefs, political opinions, or family history. A person should only be defined by their actions and their ability to accept responsibility for those actions, regardless of the outcome. I love to make people smile. I love to read, but would choose a great movie over a great book 100% of the time. I have discovered a way to simultaneously take life too seriously and live life care free.  I once fought a 2nd degree black belt and walked away without injury. I am a rare guy that has more fun playing video games with my girlfriend than by myself or with guy friends. I want to have kids some day. Gender doesn't matter too much, but I've been told that "robot" is out of the question (sorry Bumblebee Jr.). I get more angry when drivers on the road cut other people off than when they cut me off. I refuse to watch news shows on TV, as they mostly focus on the bad news. If given the chance, I would most likely spend a stress-filled day with my girlfriend than a relaxing day with anybody else (I say "most likely" because I would easily choose to hang out with a clone of myself...but technology has not yet allowed this to be an option). I go out of my way to help others. I have a hero complex and would put myself in danger to help someone who needs it. I have trained martial arts since I was in grade school, but will always avoid hurting someone else unless it is the only possible solution. I don't like cleaning, yet, I hate messiness (I plan to hire a maid someday, but I guess I'll have to clean until that happens). I have attended more schools than most people I know (4 grade schools, 7 high schools, and 1 university). During my sophomore year in high school, I ate pizza for every single lunch.  I miss TV shows from the 90's , and would trade most shows on the air for some classic TGIF! I refuse to hate people. For those wondering (nobody), the answer is boxer briefs and boxers. I love music. Playing music, making music, singing in the car/shower/computer screens around the world. I love to give advice, yet rarely ask for advice. For some reason, I like doing my taxes (I know what you're going to ask...and the answer is no). I taught myself how to: juggle, play the guitar, play the keyboard, play the ukelele, swim, and speak (one of these is a lie). I have lived in Ohio for almost nine years and have never: shot a gun, went hunting, driven a tractor, milked a cow, guided a horse and buggy, consumed a tall can of alcohol from a paper bag, or got in a bar fight. Yes, I have had opportunities to do most of those. I take nothing for granted. I hate awkward silences. I sometimes joke around too much, but people don't always know that I'm joking...so I guess it evens itself out. Right? I have met only one person on my moms side of the family (...my mom). I firmly believe that a person is only limited by their motivation and dedication, and that we can all be whatever we want to be. I have no problem watching a single movie more than a dozen times (The Dark Knight should send me a royalty check based on the times I saw it in theaters alone). I am aware of how dorky that made me sound. If I see someone having a bad day (in person or online), they can expect some form of cheering up. It might not work...but I'll always try. I am Sam.

*Insert your VERY original Green Eggs & Ham joke here ;^ )

Addendum
After shopping at the local grocery store, I (almost) always return the cart to its rightful location. I get emotional during "chick flicks" (um...anger....obviously the emotion that I express is anger...). I sometimes slow dance with my girlfriend to make her feel better, even if there's no music playing (HA...watching chick flicks DOES pay off). I have an eclectic taste in music. (Need an example? I'll feed you, baby birds.) I easily enjoy any of these artists: Jack Johnson, Carrie Underwood, The Temptations, Usher, Gavin Degraw, John Lennon, Jay Z, Iz KamakawiwoʻOle, most 90's boy bands, Pachelbel, and Michael Jackson (trust me...there are a LOT more). I don't like to use swear words, but somehow always use them whenever I play Mario Kart. I love to try new things, but almost always order chicken when I go to a restaurant.

The One That Got Away - Katy Perry Parody

Here is my first parody called " The One That Turned You Gay ". Well, it's my first parody that doesn't suck (that's a personal opinion, therefore, this parody may suck more than a prostitute with a Slurpee).

If Katy Perry ever sees this parody of  her song " The One That Got Away ," I will name my kid Optimus Prime (for the boy) or Katy Perry: The College Years (for the girl...that will probably end up in a poorly written sequel to Saved by the Bell).

How to Make Women Fall in Love

Guys are clueless. Being a guy for the majority of my life (nearly crying at the end of The Notebook made me a woman for about 3 minutes), I understand that we have absolutely no idea how to make women fall in love...or even keep them happy for that matter. At any given time, men typically have 1 of 3 things on their mind: having sex, food, or doing things that might eventually lead to having sex or getting food. Women, however, seem to have lots of other activity taking place in their minds. For thousands of year, men have tried to invent machines, psychological manipulations, and a plethora of other techniques to try and explore the inner workings of a woman's brain. All have been unsuccessful.

That's where I come in.

Last week, my girlfriend decided to throw a toaster at my head. She then threw me out of my apartment, left all of my belongings on the porch, and made me sleep in the pouring rain. Don't believe me? Good....because it didn't happen. Why did it not happen, you ask? Because I think I've found a couple of fool-proof tricks to make women happy (even if it's only temporary). Here is a list of things that might help you in your relationship:

- If you notice the last slice of pizza has a hair on it, quickly take the hair off and offer the pizza to her. She'll think that you're the nicest guy in the world (if she never saw the hair)....and you don't have to eat pizza fro.
- Pee in the sink. This may seem a little awkward at first, but if you avoid using the toilet, she will never yell at you again for leaving the seat up. Peace in the toilet bowl valley.
- Snoop through her apartment or personal space. Since men usually overreact and try to cover up any evidence of an intrusion, she will return to a near-spotless place every time. Meanwhile, you get to be seen as a gentleman who appreciates cleanliness.
- Hang out all of her friends...even when she's not around! Create an atmosphere of nostalgia by inviting them over for a slumber party and reminding your girlfriend/wife of her childhood adventures!

If you stick to the advice above...I will continue to look like an amazing boyfriend! Thanks for the help ;^ )

Don't "Pull the Goalie"

I graduated with a class of about 54 people. Based off of the countless Facebook posts, picture updates, and other daily social network annoyances, it seems like there is only one person left without a kid or two roaming around at the heels of a semi-youthful life. That person is me.

Do you remember those magical mirrors from our childhood fairy tales and movies? If there could somehow be a way for those to actually exist, I'd ask it "should I be doing something differently?" Don't get me wrong, I'm not looking forward to changing a diaper at 3 in the morning, as the TV announcer in the background informs me that I can buy a mop/blender/foot massager for 3 easy payments of $34.99, but a part of me does feel left out. On the other hand, do I really want to be another member of the "look how perfect my kid is" club? I think not. Let's think about it....

I'm 24 years old. If I had a baby exactly 9 months from now, I'd still be the same age. By the time the baby grew up and graduated from high school, I'd only be 41 years old. That's not even old enough for a mid-life crisis (in case you're wondering, I'd go with a sports car...probably in the form of a 2029 flying Camaro). There's a chance they'd be married before I was 50, giving me chance to be a grandpa by the time I'm 55 (too young for dentures and retirement, but too old to still be "cool"). I think I'll just wait a little time before getting married, keep "the goalie" in place for a while after that, have kids when I'm ready, and find that today is a perfect day to be young. I'm not saying that I'm going to crawl into bed tonight with Spider Man pajamas and snuggle up with my teddy bear as the theme from Doug puts me to sleep, but I do plan on acting my age (still young if you ask me). I have the rest of my life to live as the "family man." Today, I'm perfectly happy taking things slower than rest.

Driving Me Crazy!

There are too many angry drivers.

 My mom always said that if I held my face in a certain position for too long it would get stuck like that. For the sake of nearly every driver I see on the road...I hope she's right. If you're going to waste your energy looking like an idiot, you deserve to look like that all the time. Here's the situation:

Every time I'm driving down the highway, I see dozens of drivers getting angry for the stupidest reasons imaginable. The person in front of them is driving too slow (65 mph is just the recommended speed Grandma). Those pesky construction workers are taking up half the road again (didn't they just fix this road 10 years ago?). Some dummy decided to get rear-ended and now the freeway is at a standstill (couldn't you crash in the middle of a cornfield or something?). Blah...blah...blah. Who cares if you get home 15 minutes later than expected? It's not our problem that you forgot to DVR Teen Mom and now you're going to miss the part where she struggles raising her newborn. Spoiler alert: if you saw last weeks episode, or have ever seen any episode ever, you've already seen this weeks. My point is, those people need to learn to be patient. 200 years ago, it would have taken people nearly a week to travel the distance we can travel in less than 2 hours.

However, there are some situations in which it is perfectly acceptable to get angry. Here are some solutions for those issues:

-Problem: Someone throws trash on/in your car
-Solution: Follow them home, hide out until 10:47 p.m., and then place an adult cougar in the front seat of their car

-Problem: Someone cuts you off
-Solution: Run them off the road, preferably into a body of water

-Problem: Someone crashes into your car
-Solution: Pull them out of their car, place Kim Kardashian's song in their CD player, and then break every button that would prevent this song from playing (trust me...this is the worst kind of torture)

-Problem: Someone is tailgating you
-Solution: Slow down...wait for them to try and pass you....and then speed up. Repeat as necessary

I've Got Mail

Apparently, my subconscious has a crush on Tom Hanks. I noticed as I was reading my last blog post that the voice in my head was not my own; when I read things online, the voice I hear is Tom Hanks' voice from his ancient movie "You've Got Mail." I'm not sure what is more concerning. Should I be worried that my "reading voice" is not my own, or should I be more worried that a "chick flick" had so much of an impact to me, that it somehow changed my thought process and behavior?

Even now, as I type these words you are reading, I can't consciously change the voice. I guess there's only one thing to do: take it to the mattresses. I'm not sure how to go to war with my brain, but I must try to fight if I ever want to think with my own voice again. At least I don't hear Meg Ryan's voice. That would be something that deserves a trip to the shrink.

Hold Your Applause...

     Since this is my first blog post, I really want to think of something profound and life altering to say. However, only one word comes to mind: tampon. Why is it that I cringe when someone says "tampon," but I think the phrase "douche bag" is about as acceptable as a Christmas tree in December? Now that I think about it, who decided that it was a good idea to chop down a perfectly good tree, use all of their strength to drag the shedding pine through the living room, and then decorate it with items that will eventually collect dust in a half-opened box for 11 months? As you can probably tell by now, my brain can be a little random at times.

Anyway, this is me:

- Some say that I am mature for my age (they're right)

- Others claim I need to grow up (they're also right)

- I have a great life, a great job, a great girlfriend, and I hear voices in my head (I'm not crazy...I just have my earphones in)

- I love silence...but hate awkward silences

- I write songs, most of which are as mature as a Will Ferrell movie with a guest appearance by Beavis & Butthead

- I am a martial artist (no, I will not beat up your ex)

- I like watching movies

- I like to make people laugh...even if it means making myself look as stupid as a groom who gets his shirt stuck in his zipper, but doesn't realize it until after he says "I do"

     The purpose of this blog is to vent, question the world, make you laugh, and most of all....share my random thoughts with an audience other than myself. Also, I appreciate oxygen.